Confessions of a Massage Therapist: Bloopers and Laughs Along the Way

If you’re anything like most of us, you might feel like you’re just tightening your cheeks, holding on for dear life as things change around us—especially when it comes to the whirlwind in the White House. In times like these, it can be tough to know how to approach each other, unsure of how our words and actions might be received. So, let’s take a break from the heavy stuff and add a little humor to the mix, shall we?

Some of you might only know me as a hypnotherapy client, but I started my journey as a massage therapist, and yes, that side of my practice is still very active. So, for a bit of levity, I thought I’d share some of my favorite bloopers that have happened (more than once) over the years as a massage therapist. Get ready to chuckle!

Let’s talk about tight cheeks for a moment! Early on, I quickly learned the importance of asking clients when their last massage was. Not just for understanding their goals, but also to gauge their familiarity with the process. There’s nothing worse than walking into a room expecting the client to be tucked under the sheet, only to find them on top of it—clenching their cheeks because, well, they feel exposed. Ever since, I make sure to give detailed instructions on how to get under that sheet, even demonstrating with a hand gesture to make sure no one’s cheeks are uncomfortably clenching.

I’ll admit, some clients think they can skip the sheet altogether. I’ve had a few who have said things like, “C’mon, I’m not a prude.” My reaction? A quiet sigh and clear clarification. Do you really think you can go without the sheet? Do you skip putting on the hospital gown at your proctology exam? Let’s keep it professional please.

Ah, the joys of a relaxed client. Picture this: I enter the room, ready to get into my flow, shoes off, music playing… and then splat. A client falls asleep face down, and gravity works its magic. Drool. Everywhere. I quickly learned that stepping barefoot in saliva is a hard limit for me—no matter how zen the moment. Let’s just say, after that incident, I’ve always kept my shoes on!

It happens. Sometimes, parts of the body just fall out. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been caught in a situation where I’m adjusting a client’s limbs, trying to move the sheet gently, a client helps me move their limb, only to have a body part pop out unexpectedly. My solution? Calmly pull the sheet back up and hope we can just move on without any embarrassment. Usually, we forget about it in seconds.

Ladies, this one's for you. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time a client came to me with perfectly smooth skin. It’s rare! Most of the time, there’s a little stubble here and there, or maybe some clients prefer an all-natural approach. No worries at all. The funniest part? It’s usually the newly-divorced clients who come in, excitedly proclaiming, “I shaved for you!” I’m flattered, truly. But honestly, no judgment here—stubble, smooth, or anywhere in between, we’re all good.

Now, I love using essential oils during my massages, but sometimes, after a long day of work, clients can be a little... shall we say, fragrant? We’ve all been there. But sometimes, the relaxation can get things moving and—oops!—a fart slips out. What do I do? Keep going, add more oil, and pretend like I didn’t hear anything. In my head, though? I might be secretly laughing and imagining trapping you in your own funky smell under the sheets. Just a little childish humor!

Yep, every massage therapist has had at least one client who tries to push the boundaries. It’s an unfortunate part of the job, and we’re trained on how to handle these situations. Mostly, I can see it coming, but there’s the occasional moment when I’m completely caught off guard. The worst? An 80-year-old man who made it very clear he was “proud” of his, uh, erection. I won’t go into the full details, but let’s just say the whole thing was awkward, offensive, and surprisingly hilarious—especially when he tried to pay with a Groupon-style certificate. Yes, you read that right.

So, there you have it! Some of the funny and awkward moments I’ve experienced as a massage therapist. No matter how many surprises come my way, whether it’s drool, accidental nudity, or unexpected requests, I keep going with a smile.

Remember: life’s too short to take too seriously, so no matter what surprises may come, what stinks, or dicks you might encounter we are all going to be alright in the end and hopefully laugh a little along the way. 🙂

All my best,

Kim